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Dec. 30th, 2009

Thoughtful

Do I Honestly Love My Scars?

      So, today in the car, my brother was going on about how much hates tattoos. My mother agrees. However, she says she'd understand if I had one done over one of my scars.
(Can you do that, by the way? I'm not even sure if it's possible to have it done over scar tissue, but I'm not sure.)
I'm not to fond of the idea...One is on my knee and the other is right above my foot, so they aren't terrible places to have tattoos, even. It's just that I've gotten very accustomed to having them- they're both about four years old, which is time enough to really get used to something.

I think maybe I might, though, remove the one above my foot, now that I'm thinking about it. Due to the fact that the scar on my knee has turned white and faded some (never mind that I usually wear jeans or long skirts or dresses), people don't notice it that often. The other one though, while much smaller, has gotten red and almost infected-looking (though my doctor said it's fine) as time has gone on, and because I typically don't wear socks, it gets commented on quite a bit. I've gotten very sick of hearing about how worried the other person is, questions about how long I've had it, how it happened, why it looks atypical, and so on. I especially hate the disbelief about how it happened.
 If I don't think the person I'm telling it to will believe how it actually happens, I say I tripped. They usually don't believe that either (It's pretty bad looking) so I end up saying something like: 'with great force...onto rocks....and the rocks kind of seared though  the skin, and some of the wounds didn't heal properly- I have a much longer one on my knee, actually'. Which is nearly entirely the truth, and easier to believe. Also, it does look kind of...diseased.

But I remember a year ago, I hurt my knee trying to play basketball (or maybe it was just dribbling...?) and it bled like crazy, covering up the original scar, and I was pissed at the thought of my new injury ruining my scar tissue.
I think it's because it makes me look a little badass. (I'm the shy,  geeky girl in the corner, who once cried over missing a math problem, so I greatly appreciate anything that makes me look the least bit like I'm the kind of person who'd fight you. )  On the other hand...it makes me really sad looking at it sometimes, and seeing it nearly every day.
BUT: It's been part of me for nearly half a decade, and I've gotten into the habit even of running my fingers along it (they're both raised) , so I can't picture not having them. I don't think I'd really feel like me anymore...
Is that entirely weird, though?

Dec. 29th, 2009

Very Upset

Insomnia and Hallucinations

 I probably need to start off by explaining a few things...
1. It's 6:30 in the morning as I type this, and I've been up since two. I got four hours of sleep last night, and have given up entirely on getting any more.
2. In a suburb close to mine, an arsonist set fire to ...I believe a few homes...two people died.
3. I'm bipolar, and we occasionally suffer from hallucinations in any case.
So. Restful night last night.
Somewhere in between hearing really, eerie otherworldly sounds all night and trying to decide if they were a) hallucinations, since I've been manic as of late, b)the house being odder then usaul, c)someone unlawfully entering our house, or d)the arsonist, and thinking about how this pyromaniac kid was messing around, and two people DIED for that , my brain never really settled down enough to sleep.
(It's dramatic, but...it was/is dark, and they were extremely eerie noises. You know how it is maybe...?)
Gosh. I just keep thinking...What kind of idiot, schmuck, baka, loser, bastard, putz, creep goes around setting houses on fire?! I really hate- and I hate people so rarely- people who think life is just some fucking video game. That all of humanity is horrible just because they are, and therefore lives don't matter. I hate the idea that life is worth nothing, so you might as well take it if it heightens your experience a little bit.
I kind of understand crimes of passion. Of course they're terrible, I'm not saying they aren't, but the murderer lost control- they never thought life was irrelevant. Even planned, premeditated murder, as dispicable as that is,  is better then random slaughter. At least then they're admitting that life is important enough to consider doing something with- even if it's taking it.
Setting fire everywhere because you think it's fun- and if people die, so what, who cares?
That's disgusting.

Dec. 28th, 2009

Artistic

The Joys of Not Trying to Write Something Publishable

   I used to write whatever I wanted, and the Reality hit me, and I came to the conclusion that my stuff isn't particularly marketable. So, I decided I should write something else, something that would sell, first and then have fun.
I've been trying to do that for over a year, and who knows how many first chapters have been written in that time about things that I only halfway care about.
I mean, some of them really were good. I've had people plead with me to continue them, so it wasn't a total waste, but still.
In any case....for the first time in a long time I'm back to writing my old...everything. I've gone back to planning a huge novel, instead of a skinny one. (I've been told a first-time author never can publish a long novel) I've gone back to my old style, which is more formal and serious, even though funny and informal are quicker books to get into. I've gone back to writing historical fiction, too.
I've also let myself be free to write whatever I want, whether or not a comment will be popular.
I really expected to have a hard time getting into it- but as soon as I started, it felt natural. Like I had taken a really long, C-grade, vacation and was finally coming home...And I feel like it's good. I am so happy.
I've also gone back to having a very mentally unstable narrator, who's rather unreliable! Yes! I missed that so much....
I promise to never to make an effort to write something just because it's marketable again. *squee*

Dec. 26th, 2009

Annoyed

Merry Christmas Belated, Writing, and House M.D.

First of all- Merry Christmas belated! I hope you guys all had a fantastic time yesterday.  I wasn't on yesterday, or else I would have posted about it then. Actually, I think I might have been on...But not on livejournal....
I spend way too much time e-mailing people. That's the problem you run into when you move as much as I do- none of your close friends live in-state...
House M.D.
Actually, I don't have many. Right now, he has my ideal team- Chase,  sexy Olivia Wilde Thirteen, Foreman, and Taub. AND Wilson has been getting some spotlight. AND it appears that House will indeed get together with Cuddy. My issue is that....we've had repeats for about a month now. I need my House M.D. Christmas special, dammit! =)
What especially bothers me is that we had a House episode slot replaced for Carrie Underwood's Christmas Special once. That involved a really bad skit ull of blatant gay stereotypes.
Because that's EXACTLY what we need, Carrie....
Writing
  I should finish writing my teleplay, I really should. It's just that currently, I don't really feel like writing just dialogue....I'm kind of torn between working on this new, modern, formatted kind of future book, which is extremely easy to write....In a day, I'm already on page 13. It's one of those kind of things that don't require much effort. Or win any awards. It's the kind of book people would love, I think, a popular book, but....it doesn't feel like writing to me. It feels like roleplaying....Maybe it'll feel different later, though.
It's also very dialogue-y.....I want to go back to writing good, long, paragraphs of thoughts and descriptions....
So I do think I'll go back to that...
But I hate giving up on things. I start way too many writing projects, to just decide to start something else....
Oh well. I'll figure it out.
( 'Music' is just what I happen to be playing now)

Dec. 23rd, 2009

Artistic

This Week's Best-In My Opinion-Videos

Favorite Music Video of the Week:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xyGOeG8vdo
(Sarah McLachlan-Fallen)
A Brilliant 'Dead Poet's Society' Fan Video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYFV6St02gk
Two of My Favorite GossipGirl  Music Videos for this Week:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRr4bA-cHXA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tLWThPF5CE
(For the longest time, I thought a line from that last video was 'she tries to break' which I thought was extremely profound, but...it's actually 'she tries to pray', which is...not so profound. I like my version better. =) )
The Gilmore Girls Fan-Made Music Video Of The Week:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejYpsP-7Ea0&feature=related
Best Communitychannel video of The Week:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1GMJh-upEc

Anyway. So that's that...I actually don't have a lot this week, for some reason.
Moderately Happy

Facebook.....

I don't really like facebook that much. I LOVE it as a concept....in reality, not so much. Most of my 'friends' are extended family that I really have to watch what I'm saying around.

(I don't need another lecture about how That's Just Life, and I Will Always Be Censored, as my mother gives me every time I complain. I get that  But what I tell my friends:

1. Is rated around R at least once a day.

2. Involves references to my lesbianism.

3. Involves references to a broad range of topics, not just Pure Innocence and Purity.
So I'm not complaining so much about basic censorship, but...I think when your grandmother and her friends are reading your page, that's kind of 'extreme censorship'. )

And I mean all my friends, too.  I'm not really...shy about topics with any of them .

I'm sick of the whole 'use e-mail then' argument. I want facebook as it was meant to be, not 'ooo-I'm-a-boss-let's-read-what-the-people-working-for-me-say-so-I-can-fire-them-and-ruin-a-website' - ditto with family as well. Why does facebook have to be used for...punishment? Can't it be used for...mass contact with friends?
If my entire family wasn't reading, my facebook would be interesting, instead of extremely lame- and rarely updated.
But anyway. Happier topic....
Mostly, I play games....
Fishville. Happy Aquarium. Happy Pets....
I'm getting quite obsessed....Most of my friends are at around level 2 or 3 at most of those games...But me? Level 21, Level 18, Level 17....
It's just that they're fun, and very goal-based, so it doesn't get boring, and reasonably difficult. You have to work at it, but it's not extremely difficult.
I don't like 'extremely difficult' games. I have...better things to do on the computer, I guess.
Oh- by the way. My mother's solution to my facebook complaint was 'get a livejournal', which no one in my family reads.
My friends were supposed to, but they're all too lazy. I love them anyway. =)



Dec. 17th, 2009

Depressed

So Exhausted

School was rough today. Still, it'd be alright, if I had been able to get home at a normal time.
But no, because I had stupid Amnesty International today, which I go to purely out of guilt alone. The senior girls talk down to me, and the atmosphere is uncomfortable. Not only that, but we never do anything that I feel really has helped someone else.
Except when we fund raise. That's why I go, actually. As stereotypical as it sounds, I think cold, hard, cash is the best thing we can do for some of the countries and organizations out there. All the speeches and talking about how terrible it is, and all of the damn letter writing, don't amount to anything at all.
(Honestly, what kind of brutal dictator cares what a group of teenage girls think about the way he treats his people?)
So that was forty-five minutes, which isn't that bad.
But then I had to wait in the lobby of the hospital my mother works at for a good three hours, which means it's six by the time I'm home.
I...am....so...tired.
And hating that I can't drive, and that my mother won't let me get rides from seniors.

Dec. 16th, 2009

Cute Pout- Faux Sad

A Rather (I Think) Amusing Story

Well. At least I think it was funny. I suppose I also could be really pissed, but...I prefer being amused. Anyway, so I just remembered this as I was lamenting today that second semester will start soon enough, and when it does- back to gym class. I should probably explain two things:
1. I am horrendous at team sports. Or any kind of athletics actually, apart from swimming and running, which I doubt count. I am extremely uncoordinated. I realize that the majority of girls insist this, but I swear I'm different. If I was halfway decent at that kind of thing, I'd brag about it, not hide it. I'm the one that causes people- even the 'I'll break a nail' girls- to groan when they find out they're on my team- I cannot hit, catch, or kick, no matter how hard I try. 2. I'm Jewish, and one of the many stereotypes attributed to us is being uncoordinated and wimpy. I don't think most people in the North really apply this much, but up until a few months ago, I lived in a tiny Southern town, and they certainly did there.
So, here's the story: Read more...Collapse )Click here..Collapse )

Dec. 14th, 2009

Extremely Happy

The Highlight of My Year

I'm not kidding. I was going to say 'the highlight of my day' but that wouldn't be giving it enough credit, given that most of today was pretty bad. So I started thinking, and I realized- this is the best thing that has happened to me since September.
And I've had a pretty awesome semester.
So: Tomorrow is the poetry slam. Today, we went into the theater to go meet with a group of seven other slammers and a local poet, so they can help us get our poems ready.
First good thing: My local poet was one of my favorite poets of all time. So already it was starting off pretty good.
And then I begin listening to the other poets, and I get the feel of how this works. They read a poem, she closes her eyes and nods along with the beat- if she really likes something, she makes a noise to indicate it. Afterwords, she corrects everything she can to make it better.
I'm the second to the last person to go- I tell her I have two poems, and that I can't decide which to perform. She tells me just to read whichever I want first, so I read 'Six'.
She kept making those noises as I read it- those happy, wonderful, noises. And when I was done, she said that 'Six' was my poem, definitely. She was enthusiastic, she was happy- she made it clear mine was her favorite, without directly saying so. She tells me to change nothing at all.
Which would have been enough, because I think she's INCREDIBLE. Oh my fucking gosh. For her to even mildly approve of anything I write would make my day....
And then she compares it to my absolute favorite of her poems.
I can't remember being this happy in a very long time.
I floated home.

Dec. 13th, 2009

Artistic

Poetry Slam Concerns (And Other Thoughts That Ran Off From That)

I really should be practicing the poems I entered.
It's just that for one of them, the performance just kind of writes itself. The semi-serious indignity in the poem is very emotional and dramatic- and funny, so I don't have to worry about over-acting, or not being subtle enough. One of them I could in my sleep. The other one....I don't know. I have no excuse not to practice that.
I guess I just hate practicing at home- not because I'm lazy, but because my parents are there.
I've always been one of those kids who have to make their parents happy, and get crushed if they don't.
I remember in sixth grade, I had to write a monologue to perform in drama class. It was about how a kid had done something or other wrong so was now in quite the fix- and was trying to figure out how to solve it without their parents' involvement. (Something I do all of the time. Most of time, it works out okay)
One of the lines I had written had been something like:, 'what if my parents find out? What if they're angry at me? What if they yell at me? What if they're disappointed?'. I got my paper back with a comment in red marker: 'The only thing your character is afraid of is getting yelled at? That's unrealistic. Kids and teenagers first concern is getting grounded, or otherwise punished. I want believable characters!' . And of course, when I have to tell my parents something I wish I didn't have to, getting yelled at or having them upset at me, is my first concern....I kind of felt the way I did when I ran myself though a Mary-Sue test, and it reported to me that I was a Mary-Sue. Lol.
My whole getting-really-upset-if-parents-aren't-perfectly-happy-with-me thing, is also why I wasn't spanked hard when I was little. I always felt I was, but when I was older, I had mentioned that to my mother, and she gave me a very odd look. She told me that for me, she barely had to pat me, because I was so upset already. And I tended to be a very well-behaved child in the first place.
ANYWAY.
So that's why I don't practice at home. I don't want my parents or siblings to hear me, because I couldn't handle it if they didn't like it...I'll find some other way to practice....
I also should have told my teachers awhile ago that I'll be out for the entire day. (The way we do poetry slams at our school, is this:
1. Student enters in a few poems
2. Poems are checked to make sure no profanity or overt sexual references exist.
3. Student gets permission from fourth period teacher to go meet with local poets and the two English teachers running the event in the theater, the day before the slam. There we are given suggestions about how to improve our poems, which of them we should perform, and suggestions as to how we should perform it.
4. First thing in the morning, all poetry slammers meet in the theater, and the poetry slam goes on all day. If you're a slammer, you can stay all day to watch all your competition- if you're not, you have to rely on the expectation that at least one of your teachers will take you to see it one period. )
I like it that way. The only problem is that we have to alert our teachers preferably a few days in advance, so we can get permission to miss their period. If you don't get permission, and have to return for one class, if your name is called while you're there, you don't get to perform.
The slam is on Tuesday, so I can still do it Monday, but I wish I had remembered to do it earlier. My Honors English teacher will definitely let me, because she loves the poetry slam, and she personally spends the entire day with her classes there anyway. My Writing teacher will also certainly let me, for several reasons:
1. I am her pet.
2. She thinks I'm an amazing writer.
3. She nagged me to write a poem because she thinks I'm great, even though I was pretty uninspired at the time.
4. She runs the poetry slam.
I do have to worry about my math and French teachers, though. I have an 'A' in math and I'm Ms. G's pet, but she HATES people missing her class. She's one of those teachers who thinks her class is more important then everyone else's- even though she has such horrible control over the class, which means that typically we never learn anything. However, she's also best friends with Mrs. Bernhard, my H. English teacher, who as I previously mentioned, is a huge fan of the slam.....maybe she can convince her....And I am really ahead in that class. She has no good reason to tell me not to go....
French is different, though. Not only am I fairly sure that Ms. Bitgood hates me (or at least dislikes me) I also have no idea what I have in her class. I've been getting A's all semester, but on one of her pop-tests (yeah- pop-tests) I got a 'C'. I also got an A on another one, and a 'B-' on the third, so maybe that'll average out a bit...I've also been doing all my homework, and getting good grades on classwork, so it still might be an 'A', but I'm not sure...
And if she thinks I need extra help in French, there's no way she's letting me skip out on her class...
Although, I suppose I can always tell her that one of my poems is about Marie Antoinette, a famous queen of France, and another has a reasonable amount of French words in it, and references to French culture....
Ah well. What will be, shall be....

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